


you are my sweetest downfall

by scoutishere



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Drunk Kissing, First Kiss, Getting Together, Haircuts, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Taako (The Adventure Zone), aka PERFECT taagnus song, and the history books forgot about us........... that hits different, based off of samson by regina spektor, taagnus anthem actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 07:49:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20305987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scoutishere/pseuds/scoutishere
Summary: Looking at him in the eyes, with a gaze so true and raw that it scares Magnus a bit, the edges of Taako’s mouth slant up, smiling at him. “That’s the thing,” Taako says. “Maybe. I’ve thought about it. But every time I look in the mirror, I see the hair I’ve had since Lup and I were young. I see the hair that made me attractive when I identified differently. I see the hair I had when we left our home. And Magnus…” He pauses for a moment, and it makes Magnus’ heart break a little bit. “I miss home.”Magnus watches in the first decade of the Stolen Century as Taako navigates being on the Starblaster as a transmasculine person.





	you are my sweetest downfall

**Author's Note:**

> based off of the song 'samson' by regina spektor bc i listened to it and galaxy brained about taagnus with trans!taako. enjoy!

When Magnus first met Taako, they were both young. 

He wasn’t sure how young Taako was, exactly. But the entire soon-to-be StarBlaster crew were all young people, save for Davenport, Merle, and Barry and even with that, Davenport wasn’t especially old, and Merle had a lot of spirit. And compared to Merle, Barry wasn’t that old, either. Magnus knew that elven ages were weird, knew Taako was a lot older than him, but Taako and Lup looked about Magnus’ age, and they roughhoused and chatted like they were young people. 

Magnus himself had been 19 when he first met Taako, in an IPRE meeting, and they shook hands. Taako’s hand was small and careful within Magnus’ grip, making him feel rough and clumsy, but shaking it and smiling at the person before him. 

Management had been introducing Magnus, the head of security for the team, to Taako and Lup, twin elves, specialists in transmutation and evocation, spookily beautiful and who spoke to each other as if they had their own secret language. Taako’s hair was longer than his sister’s was, falling to his waist. Lup’s hair was in a neat undercut, her short-cropped hair that wasn’t shaved coming to her chin. Their hair was a natural golden blond, and Lup’s was dyed a bright pink at the ends. 

Taako seems to smirk at Magnus when he catches him staring at them, winking at Magnus from across the room. It makes his stomach feel mixed up, fluttery and embarrassed, but captivated by his soon-to-be shipmate. 

Quietly, Magnus watches Taako’s face as they stayed quiet throughout the meeting, the higher-ups explaining the mission, its risks, their duties as members of the Starblaster. 

When any of the suited-up men refer to Taako with feminine --she and her-- pronouns, though, Magnus watches Taako’s face scrunch up in a mix of what looks to be anger and embarrassment. Him and Lup are whispering almost constantly throughout the meeting, and at the end, Magnus can’t help but stare and try to listen in, seeing Lup storm up to the quietly chatting group of management at the front of the meeting room. Glancing at Taako, Magnus tries to read him, but finds him looking at his Stone of Farspeech, unemoting. Magnus hears Lup clear her throat, and begin to chastise the employees before her in a whisper-yell. Magnus catches the words “disrespectful” and “check his fucking file, next time”. He decides to exit the room, feeling out-of-depth, and as he’s leaving, Taako gives him a cute smile that makes his stomach flip. 

It’ll only be two months, Magnus reasons. It shouldn’t be that difficult not to hit on his co-worker, right?

-

On Year 1, Magnus is not sure how heavily to tread with his ship-mates. Especially with Taako, who he harbors some sort of… feeling, for. He’s not exactly an expert on hiding feelings, either-- he’s more of the hard-and-fast type, to be honest. And he can’t help but feel butterflies in his stomach on mornings like these, the ones where he wakes up in the bleary morning, beelines for the coffee machine, and finds Taako meditating, sitting cross-legged on their kitchen table. 

Dumbly, Magnus blinks at him. “Oh,” he says involuntarily. He clears his throat. “Hi.”

Opening just one eye to look at him, Taako opens his mouth. His expression is neutral. “Hi, bubeleh.” 

Perched in front of him in the light of morning, Taako wears a loose-fitting t-shirt that drapes around his collarbones, and some long necklaces, one with a large, emerald pendant, against his sternum. He wears flowy, patterned pants and wool socks. Magnus shuffles to the coffee machine and starts a pot, and they sit there together, chatting about the mission and the world and coffee and breakfast pastries. After a while, Taako raises to begin making something on their stove, and he raises an eyebrow at Magnus. “Want to help?” 

“I may end up ruining whatever it is you want to make, but sure,” Magnus responds, and Taako’s hands linger near his when he gives him a wooden spoon. It makes goosebumps arise all down his arm, and he helps Taako make banana bread that morning. When Lup enters the kitchen an hour later, a steaming pan of baked goodness on the stove, she winks at Magnus covertly while Taako’s talking about something. It makes Magnus’ head spin, thinking about Taako. 

He pushes it down. They’re co-workers. It’s not like Magnus to keep himself from his impulses, but getting involved with someone like that on a trip for the IPRE is completely out of the question. 

-

It doesn’t arise again until a few cycles later, Year 6, if memory serves Magnus right, during a celebration of finding what Lup has decided to call “The Light of Creation.” Those who occupy this planet are organized, civilized, and apparently make alcohol, which Merle had found on a separate scouting mission but came back to frequent the small moonshine-making shack, buying dozens of bottles for their celebration. All 7 of them sit and talk in the cramped, warm space of the Starblaster common room, and all of them are drunk. 

This is a rare occasion. In fact, throughout the six years Magnus has been on the ship with the crew, he’s never seen Davenport fully let loose, but now the gnome before him is taking shots with everyone around him, his face alit in a flushed red from intoxication. Magnus notes that he’s even leaning into Merle and constantly keeping a hand on his shoulder, and it makes him smile. 

Magnus himself is holding a bottle of moonshine he’s been drinking for a while, and him and Lup are arm wrestling. Surprisingly, Lup puts up a better fight than Magnus is prepared for, and he’s almost caught off guard before he regains control and wrestles her arm to the table. Beside him, Lucretia and Taako yell in triumph, and Lup and Barry look at him grumpily from across the table. In celebration, he leans towards his friends next to him, and kisses both Luce and Taako on the cheek. Laughing, Lucretia pushes him away, her face flushed and movements gentle, but Taako stays incredibly still when Magnus does this, his face burning under Magnus’ lips.

Through the drunken haze, Magnus’ heart races. He wonders silently how it would be to kiss Taako for real. It doesn’t help to look at the man before him: when he drinks, Taako becomes loose, his limbs and body moving like waves, an arm around Lup, a hand against the small of Magnus’ back. It makes him shiver to see Taako’s lips slightly parted, and his bottom lip trapped in a bite between his teeth. He wants to kiss the heavy, drunk expression off of him. 

He won’t, though. Magnus always catches himself before they can do anything. Even when they have these white-hot moments, the ones with their eyes connected, the ones where Taako’s big brown eyes flicker down to Magnus’ lips, the ones that make Magnus feel like he’s on fire. 

But something different happens, this time: Taako’s hand darts out from its safe place in its owner’s pocket to connect with Magnus’ hand, and wraps it into his. His eyes widening, Magnus accepts the connection, his hand gripping Taako’s, and he feels the warmth radiating from the man in front of him. 

Quickly, Taako pulls him into the residential hallway and into Taako’s room on the Starblaster, Lup whooping behind them, and Magnus is barely able to register the decorations and messiness of the room before Taako is pressing him against the door with one hand, and kissing him, his soft, open lips connecting with Magnus’ drunkenly. 

Without thinking, Magnus kisses back, his heart pounding in his chest, and his arms come to wrap around Taako’s waist, pulling him closer. Just the contact of Magnus’ hands on his back makes Taako groan into his mouth, his lips hot against Magnus’ own, and Magnus realizes how desperate Taako is before him, his hands wrapping around Magnus’ neck and pulling him towards Taako roughly. 

Every year, Taako is regenerated with long hair, the hair that he left their home planet with. It’s long and comes to his waist in waves of golden blond, lightened by the sun. He keeps it long, most cycles (save the really warm ones, so far), sometimes trimming it to come to his collarbone, but this year he kept it the same, and Magnus slips a hand into Taako’s head of hair because he can and because he wants to. Taako sighs into his mouth, content, and it makes Magnus tingle all over to know that he can make him happy like that. 

Taking his other hand in his own, Taako leads Magnus to his bed a few steps away from the door, and pulls Magnus to sit on his unmade, messy bed with him. The entire room smells this mix of incense and something uniquely Taako that Magnus can’t place, like the way empty spice containers still smell like their original contents: like cumin, or pepper, or chile powder. 

They fall in a pile on the bed, and Taako continues to kiss him, not pulling away for anything, but to Magnus’ surprise, it is gentler than when they stood together against his door. But he just feels lucky to be with Taako in this way, feeling exhilarated in a drunken haze of being able to finally kiss his longtime crush, and almost doesn’t notice the tears on Taako’s cheeks. But he does, and pulls away, his eyes widening as soft, roughened thumb pads come up to brush the hot tears away from Taako’s cheeks and eyes. Looking embarrassed, and then a bit angry, Taako’s eyes widen, and he looks away from Magnus quickly and easily. 

Magnus watches quietly as Taako mumbles a Disguise Self spell and his face is no longer blotchy or red, the tears disappearing from where they wet his cheeks. He looks as he does when he wears makeup that sculpts his features and brightens his eyes. For some reason it makes Magnus feel so deeply uneasy, as Taako does not allow himself to be vulnerable in front of him. A bit confused, Magnus reaches out to touch his arm, and Taako is stiff to the touch. He gives Magnus a blank look, the spell making him look completely fine, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was crying as Magnus kissed him. Magnus looks into his eyes, searching for an answer, but Taako doesn’t say anything. Magnus clears his throat. “Taako… are you okay?” 

Smiling at Magnus a little sadly, he nods immediately. “I’m fine,” he whispers, his hands coming to ghost over Magnus’ lips. “Just kiss me, Maggie.” 

But that wrong feeling stays inside him, and Magnus shakes his head. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he explains, honestly. “I don’t want to make you upset. Please tell me why you are upset.” It’s a little clumsy, because Magnus is still quite drunk, but he thinks Taako is too, so at least it’s equal. 

Before him, Taako shakes, even though the room is warm and comfortable. Although his face is pretty and manicured, Magnus watches it contort, and it makes his own heart tumble. “I…” Taako starts, before closing his mouth abruptly. “It’s just… hard. Making connections with people when you’re… like me, or like Lup, I guess,” he says, and laughs for a few beats in a bitter, unnatural way. Magnus supposes he deserves to be bitter. It seems as if the word trans is a dirty one, one that Taako does not use, avoids saying aloud. 

Quietly, Magnus reaches out to connect their hands, and Taako clutches his. His grip is hot. Magnus isn’t sure what to say, but wants to try. “I’m sorry… you deserve better,” he says, and he thinks he sees Taako smile, his face turned to look out the window. 

“Maybe,” Taako says vaguely. “I just wish…” They are quiet for a moment, lingering in the space they have created, and Magnus just squeezes Taako’s hand. He squeezes Magnus’ hand back. “I wish I… I wish I could be more confident in the identity I created. Lup never hesitates about what she wants to look like, loves to show off her body. But I still keep my hair long, and I’m not even sure why,” he says honestly, in a moment of vulnerability. Magnus sees the spell upholding Taako’s Disguise Self flicker, and then disappear entirely, showing Taako’s face, the tears that smudge his intricate eye makeup, and Magnus is sure that he intentionally stopped casting it. 

Biting his lip, Magnus attempts to navigate uncharted waters. “Do you want to do something different with it?” 

Looking at him in the eyes, with a gaze so true and raw that it scares Magnus a bit, the edges of Taako’s mouth slant up, smiling just a bit at him. “That’s the thing,” Taako says. “Maybe. I’ve thought about it. But every time I look in the mirror, I see the hair I’ve had since Lup and I were young. I see the hair that made me attractive when I identified differently. I see the hair I had when we left our home. And Magnus…” He pauses for a moment, and it makes Magnus’ heart break a little bit. “I miss home.” 

Pausing for a moment, Magnus thinks about what to say. “I miss home, too, Taako,” he says, and they exchange smiles, if a bit somber. Magnus’ chest still burns when he thinks about his hand in Taako’s. But he needs to focus on Taako right now, comforting the man before him. “I could help you cut your hair, if you want?” he asks, smiling at Taako, and it makes him laugh. Taako’s laugh is like magic, Magnus thinks. 

“Lup would probably be better at it,” Taako says, not meaning to be malicious, but honest. “But Magnus, to be fuckin’ honest, I would take you up on that. Every time I try to do it, I chicken out.” He pauses. “For real… get this fuckin’ mop off my head.”

Nodding, Magnus leans to his bedside table, Magnus opens Taako’s drawer, and he finds a small pair of dull scissors inside. Showing them to him, Taako nods, and Magnus raises from his position on the bed, standing at the side. Taako sits on the edge of the bed, his hair falling down his back down the side of the bed. Magnus is calm as he brings the twin blades across Taako’s hair, a large chunk falling to the floor below them. Taako gasps a bit, and Magnus grins, continuing to snip at his hair. “By the way, you should know, I’m not usually a stylist.” 

“Oh, I’m so surprised,” Taako comments sarcastically, but his voice falters in the middle, making him sound softer. Magnus’ heart aches that he is allowed to see Taako like this: in the soft light of Taako’s bedside lamp, when they’re both drunk and everything’s fuzzy. 

The haircut’s not even, that’s for sure, but it’s messy and curly and Taako’s soft blond hair is still magical as it comes up to just below his ears in a masculine style, with curly bangs falling over his forehead. He looks up at Magnus from where he sits, and his handsomeness makes Magnus’ heart feel weak. There is blond hair coating the floor in front of him, and he begins to scoop it up, before Taako murmurs a spell and the hair disappears into midair. It makes Magnus laugh, because he forgot about magic. 

Everything about Taako is magic and unreal. He gestures for Magnus to sit next to him, and he does, the bed sinking as he sits next to Taako. Quickly, he steals a peck, kissing Taako’s cheek, and he feels Taako’s soft skin burn under his lips. Regaining composure, Taako faces him. “How do I look?” he asks, and Magnus grins dumbly. 

"You are the most beautiful man I have ever seen,” Magnus answers honestly, and he loves the way he can see a blush arise over Taako’s features. 

After a while, Taako shuffles, standing from the bed a little wobbily. Next to his dresser is a large mirror, and he peers in it, bringing his hand up to run through his hair, making it fluffier, and he smiles at his reflection. “You did alright, Maggie,” Taako says, and Magnus smiles, his eyes feeling tired. 

Taako mumbles something about being hungry, and he exits the room, closing the door softly behind him, and he comes back with one slice of Fantasy Wonder Bread. He holds it gingerly in his hand, one bite taken out of it, and Magnus takes a bite when Taako crosses the room to the bed. Taako seems to glare at him, wrenching his arm away and finishing his slice of bread in the yellow light of the room. 

Taking Magnus’ hands in his own, Taako pulls him to lay down on his bed, and it is close, their limbs crowded together. When they are horizontal, Taako kisses him, his hands coming up to grip Magnus’ face firmly, and the touch makes Magnus feel so exhilarated, pulling Taako closer and kissing him back firmly. In every kiss, Magnus tries to convey how he feels, how he cares for Taako, how much he loves him with every fiber of his being. They lay there together, Magnus’ arms coming to wrap around Taako’s waist, and Taako seems to relax under his touch. They kiss until the sun starts warming the sky from the window, Taako finally falling asleep with Magnus’ arms around him, weighty and comforting.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope u enjoyed : ) i wrote this mostly on vacation, where i am now! i am on an in-state trip with 5 of my best friends, and i finished this while they watched bachelor in paradise lol 
> 
> please comment if you liked it and love wonder bread
> 
> my tumblr is @lucretiagf, let's yell about the stolen century hehe


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